Lost No More
“How can I let go of the pain my spouse has caused me as we
try to keep fighting for our marriage?” “How can I separate worth of a person from their
actions/performance?" “How can still love someone when he/she chooses bad choices?”
I am sure many of you have asked those questions before and the rest of you who have read Ashlee's blog are thinking, "How did Ashlee find her answers to those questions?" The answer is simple but finding it out for yourself can be a shockingly beautiful experience.
I read somewhere that most members
of the church can tell you the peripherals of the gospel; things like tithing,
food storage, genealogy; but a lot of us can’t explain the foundational
doctrines.
We sometimes get caught up in
the “dos and don’ts” that we miss some of the most important aspects of this
glorious plan;
things like repentance
and forgiveness.
I have
fallen victim to this trap. I have been
surrounded by this church my whole life.
I even went on an 18 month full-time mission and taught at the Missionary
Training Center
after my return. I thought I was well
versed in the gospel. Not that I
believed myself to be an expert but I thought I had gone through so many great
experiences that I could give you the ins and outs. I was wrong.
I knew the gospel but I didn’t really know it – meaning I hadn’t yet been humbled to my knees to clearly understand what repentance and
forgiveness meant.
There was a time when I questioned
Christ and His power to forgive. How
stupid of me! I was questioning my
Savior? I thought that someone was
passed the point of His atonement’s reaching arms? Without question, I had some very humbling
experiences to bring me back to reality on this point.
The summer of 2011, after reaching
the point of letting go of my fear and having an attitude of “so what?” I began
to date…a little.
One of the guys I
started to date told me about some choices he had made in the past; choices
that were not in line with the standards we were living now.
My first reaction was shock because this man
in front of me was nothing like that man he was explaining from his past.
My next reaction, a few days later after the
shock wore off, was doubt.
I doubted
everything about him.
I looked at the
decisions of his past with the thoughts to myself like, “You never did any of
those things.
You deserve someone who
has lived a righteous life like you have.
You are better than him.
You
deserve someone as righteous as you.”
It’s embarrassing now to admit
this now, but it’s true. I was that self
righteous.
Because of the “anguish” I was
experiencing having this debate in my head I decided to meet with my bishop (I hope you all read that with the sarcasm I was intending it to have).
I wanted to get his stamp of approval that I
was making the right choice in moving on and choosing someone “better” or "more worthy of me".
Instead of finding a friend in my corner this
bishop put me in my place.
After telling
him the situation and asking for his advice this is what his reply, “Sounds to me
like you are very prideful." I was shocked and little ticked off. Come on. I was here to find justification not to be humbled. He continued with this story,
"If a diamond
disobeys the order of its maker and jumps out of its box to roll around in the
mud for bit but then turns to the maker to get cleaned up again,
does that make the diamond less valuable?”
“No,” I replied.
“So, do you
believe that the Ultimate Creator has the power to clean us up?”
That is the golden question folks!
This bishop literally changed my entire
life.
Through the rest of our discussion
I came to realize that
I was the one
who was not worthy of
him (the guy,
not Christ).
He had already turned to
Christ and became clean through His atonement while I, on the other hand, had
built a wall so high around the atonement that I found myself on the
outside.
I didn’t want to be on the
outside!
I wanted to be within the
boundaries so that the atonement could reach me so that I could be forgiven, too.
The changes I then decided to make have
forever changed the course of my life.
I promise you that if you turn to the Savior all can be forgiven. You, me, your husband, your wife, your children, your parents, your siblings, your friends. All. I know that Christ lives. I know that His power is real because I have felt it and I have seen it. I know that I can be forgiven and I know that I can forgive; not because I am an amazing person but because I know that with Christ's help I can do anything.
“Remember, heaven is filled with
those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive” (Elder
Uchtodof)
Some amazing quotes on repentance
and forgiveness:
- Elder Anderson
in the November 2009 Ensign said, “Repentance always means that there is
greater happiness ahead.” It is so
true. When we repent and feel the
forgiveness of our maker there is no greater blessing that can come in this
world. If some are still questioning
their ability to forgive another just remember that if you begin to build walls
around the atonement you may find yourself on the outside like I did. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/repent-that-i-may-heal-you?lang=eng
- “As we repent, our view of
ourselves and the world changes. As we
change, we recognize that we are children of God and that we need not continue
making the same mistake s over and over.
If we sincerely repent, we turn away from sins and do them no more. We resist any desire to commit sin. Or desire to follow God grows stronger and
deeper.” https://www.lds.org/manual/preach-my-gospel-a-guide-to-missionary-service/lesson-3-the-gospel-of-jesus-christ?lang=eng
- 1 Nephi 3:7 says, “..[The] Lord
giveth no commandments unto the children of men save he shall prepare a way for
them that they many accomplish [it].” https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/1-ne/3.7?lang=eng
-
Why do I need to forgive others? In order to receive forgiveness for
our sins, we need to forgive others. Forgiving others allows us to overcome
feelings of anger, bitterness, or revenge. Forgiveness can heal spiritual
wounds and bring the peace and love that only God can give. https://www.lds.org/youth/learn/ap/atonement/forgive?lang=eng
- “A person’s ability to forgive is
in proportion to the greatness of his soul. Little men cannot
forgive.” “Tell them,” said a beloved associate, “tell them to learn to
forgive.” One thing to remember—in marriage, in the family, in all relationships of life—we
are always dealing with imperfect people, including ourselves. And it isn’t
fair to expect perfection in others when we can’t offer it ourselves. Life
moves one way. We can’t go back. But we can go forever forward: improving,
repenting, understanding, forgiving others—even forgiving ourselves—not
justifying our faults, not saying that the wrong we do is right, but not
defeating our own future, forever unforgiving or unforgiven. https://www.lds.org/new-era/1971/03/the-spoken-word/the-spoken-word?lang=eng&query=forgiving+other
- We have no control over other’s
actions. We only have the ability to
encourage, persuade, and show by example when it comes to effecting other’s
decisions. Control is not, and has never
been, part of God’s plan. If we are
unhappy or feel wronged by someone else’s actions than we need to:
1. Communicate
our feelings without anger, vengeance, or manipulation
2. Allow
the other person to process
3. Have
“Godlike” expectations (meaning: we can’t express our feelings with a specific
result or reaction in mind (that’s called manipulation). Be honest and let the other person react in
the way they feel is appropriate. This,
in a way, is having “low expectations” but also keeping the Lord in mind when you react to their reaction)
4. Listen
to the other person’s feelings and intentions on the matter. Try to see them through the Savior’s eyes
5. Keep
the Spirit with you. Always!
6. Apologize
for any wrong you might have played in the situation
7. Repent
of those wrong choices
8. Continue
to stay close to the Lord. Don't allow
Satan to tempt you with feelings of justification, validation for bad
thoughts/words/actions, and revenge. He
will try but you can win with the Lord on your side.
These steps won’t be perfect; you
may have to do them over and over and over.
It’s a process not a checklist.
Try to become happy and comfortable with the process. We can still find
happiness even when we don’t feel like trying that day. The Lord is eager to bless us.
7. "Why should we forgive others? (
D&C
64:9–10.) How can it be a greater sin to
refuse to forgive someone? (When we refuse to forgive others, we can become
filled with anger, hate, and a desire for revenge. These feelings can cause us
to lose the companionship of the
Holy Ghost and make
it more difficult for us to live other gospel principles. Also, when we do not
forgive someone, it can make it more difficult for that person to complete his
or her own repentance process.)"
"But when it comes to our own
prejudices and grievances, we too often justify our anger as righteous and our
judgment as reliable and only appropriate. Though we cannot look into another’s
heart, we assume that we know a bad motive or even a bad person when we see
one. We make exceptions when it comes to our own bitterness because we feel
that, in our case, we have all the information we need to hold someone else in
contempt.
Because we all depend on the mercy
of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately
desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as
we wish to be forgiven?
Is this difficult to do?
Yes, of course.
Forgiving ourselves and others is
not easy. In fact, for most of us it requires a major change in our attitude
and way of thinking—even a change of heart. But there is good news. This
“mighty change”
8 of
heart is exactly what the gospel of
Jesus Christ is designed to bring
into our lives.
How is it done? Through the love of
God.
Brothers and sisters, there is
enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our
own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment.
We are not perfect.
The people around us are not
perfect.
19 People
do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always
be that way.
Nevertheless, we must let go of our
grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such
things. That is the Lord’s way.
Remember, heaven is filled with
those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.
Lay your burden at the Savior’s
feet. Let go of judgment. Allow Christ’s Atonement to change and heal your
heart. Love one another. Forgive one another.
The merciful will obtain mercy."
Scriptures:
Luke 23:34 (Jesus
Christ forgave those who crucified Him)
Gordon B. Hinckley,
“
Forgiveness,”
Ensign or
Liahona, Nov.
2005, 81–84
MOVIE CLIP: My Burden Was Made Light https://www.lds.org/youth/learn/ap/atonement/forgive?lang=eng#video=forgiveness-my-burden-was-made-light
