They are forgiven. And they forgive.

Lost No More

“How can I let go of the pain my spouse has caused me as we try to keep fighting for our marriage?”  “How can I separate worth of a person from their actions/performance?"  “How can still love someone when he/she chooses bad choices?”

I am sure many of you have asked those questions before and the rest of you who have read Ashlee's blog are thinking, "How did Ashlee find her answers to those questions?"  The answer is simple but finding it out for yourself can be a shockingly beautiful experience. 

I read somewhere that most members of the church can tell you the peripherals of the gospel; things like tithing, food storage, genealogy; but a lot of us can’t explain the foundational doctrines.  We sometimes get caught up in the “dos and don’ts” that we miss some of the most important aspects of this glorious plan;  things like repentance and forgiveness. 

I have fallen victim to this trap.  I have been surrounded by this church my whole life.  I even went on an 18 month full-time mission and taught at the Missionary Training Center after my return.  I thought I was well versed in the gospel.  Not that I believed myself to be an expert but I thought I had gone through so many great experiences that I could give you the ins and outs.  I was wrong.  I knew the gospel but I didn’t really know it – meaning I hadn’t yet been humbled to my knees to clearly understand what repentance and forgiveness meant.  

 There was a time when I questioned Christ and His power to forgive.  How stupid of me!  I was questioning my Savior?  I thought that someone was passed the point of His atonement’s reaching arms?  Without question, I had some very humbling experiences to bring me back to reality on this point.

The summer of 2011, after reaching the point of letting go of my fear and having an attitude of “so what?” I began to date…a little.  One of the guys I started to date told me about some choices he had made in the past; choices that were not in line with the standards we were living now.  My first reaction was shock because this man in front of me was nothing like that man he was explaining from his past.  My next reaction, a few days later after the shock wore off, was doubt.  I doubted everything about him.  I looked at the decisions of his past with the thoughts to myself like, “You never did any of those things.  You deserve someone who has lived a righteous life like you have.  You are better than him.  You deserve someone as righteous as you.”

It’s embarrassing now to admit this now, but it’s true.  I was that self righteous. 

Because of the “anguish” I was experiencing having this debate in my head I decided to meet with my bishop (I hope you all read that with the sarcasm I was intending it to have).  I wanted to get his stamp of approval that I was making the right choice in moving on and choosing someone “better” or "more worthy of me".  Instead of finding a friend in my corner this bishop put me in my place.  After telling him the situation and asking for his advice this is what his reply, “Sounds to me like you are very prideful."  I was shocked and little ticked off.  Come on.  I was here to find justification not to be humbled.  He continued with this story, "If a diamond disobeys the order of its maker and jumps out of its box to roll around in the mud for bit but then turns to the maker to get cleaned up again, does that make the diamond less valuable?”  “No,” I replied.  “So, do you believe that the Ultimate Creator has the power to clean us up?” 

That is the golden question folks!  This bishop literally changed my entire life.  Through the rest of our discussion I came to realize that I was the one who was not worthy of him (the guy, not Christ).  He had already turned to Christ and became clean through His atonement while I, on the other hand, had built a wall so high around the atonement that I found myself on the outside.  I didn’t want to be on the outside!  I wanted to be within the boundaries so that the atonement could reach me so that I could be forgiven, too.  The changes I then decided to make have forever changed the course of my life.

I promise you that if you turn to the Savior all can be forgiven.  You, me, your husband, your wife, your children, your parents, your siblings, your friends.  All.  I know that Christ lives.  I know that His power is real because I have felt it and I have seen it.  I know that I can be forgiven and I know that I can forgive; not because I am an amazing person but because I know that with Christ's help I can do anything.  

 “Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive” (Elder Uchtodof)

Some amazing quotes on repentance and forgiveness:

1. Elder Anderson in the November 2009 Ensign said, “Repentance always means that there is greater happiness ahead.”  It is so true.  When we repent and feel the forgiveness of our maker there is no greater blessing that can come in this world.  If some are still questioning their ability to forgive another just remember that if you begin to build walls around the atonement you may find yourself on the outside like I did.  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/repent-that-i-may-heal-you?lang=eng
2.  “As we repent, our view of ourselves and the world changes.  As we change, we recognize that we are children of God and that we need not continue making the same mistake s over and over.  If we sincerely repent, we turn away from sins and do them no more.  We resist any desire to commit sin.  Or desire to follow God grows stronger and deeper.”  https://www.lds.org/manual/preach-my-gospel-a-guide-to-missionary-service/lesson-3-the-gospel-of-jesus-christ?lang=eng 
3. 1 Nephi 3:7 says, “..[The] Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men save he shall prepare a way for them that they many accomplish [it].”  https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/1-ne/3.7?lang=eng 
4.   Why do I need to forgive others?  In order to receive forgiveness for our sins, we need to forgive others. Forgiving others allows us to overcome feelings of anger, bitterness, or revenge. Forgiveness can heal spiritual wounds and bring the peace and love that only God can give. https://www.lds.org/youth/learn/ap/atonement/forgive?lang=eng 
5. “A person’s ability to forgive is in proportion to the greatness of his soul. Little men cannot forgive.” “Tell them,” said a beloved associate, “tell them to learn to forgive.” One thing to remember—in marriage, in the family, in all relationships of life—we are always dealing with imperfect people, including ourselves. And it isn’t fair to expect perfection in others when we can’t offer it ourselves. Life moves one way. We can’t go back. But we can go forever forward: improving, repenting, understanding, forgiving others—even forgiving ourselves—not justifying our faults, not saying that the wrong we do is right, but not defeating our own future, forever unforgiving or unforgiven. https://www.lds.org/new-era/1971/03/the-spoken-word/the-spoken-word?lang=eng&query=forgiving+other 
6. We have no control over other’s actions.  We only have the ability to encourage, persuade, and show by example when it comes to effecting other’s decisions.  Control is not, and has never been, part of God’s plan.  If we are unhappy or feel wronged by someone else’s actions than we need to: 

1.      Communicate our feelings without anger, vengeance, or manipulation

2.      Allow the other person to process

3.      Have “Godlike” expectations (meaning: we can’t express our feelings with a specific result or reaction in mind (that’s called manipulation).  Be honest and let the other person react in the way they feel is appropriate.  This, in a way, is having “low expectations” but also keeping the Lord in mind when you react to their reaction)

4.      Listen to the other person’s feelings and intentions on the matter.  Try to see them through the Savior’s eyes

5.      Keep the Spirit with you.  Always!

6.      Apologize for any wrong you might have played in the situation

7.      Repent of those wrong choices

8.      Continue to stay close to the Lord.  Don't allow Satan to tempt you with feelings of justification, validation for bad thoughts/words/actions, and revenge.  He will try but you can win with the Lord on your side. 

These steps won’t be perfect; you may have to do them over and over and over.  It’s a process not a checklist.  Try to become happy and comfortable with the process.  We can still find happiness even when we don’t feel like trying that day.  The Lord is eager to bless us.  

7.  "Why should we forgive others? (D&C 64:9–10.)  How can it be a greater sin to refuse to forgive someone? (When we refuse to forgive others, we can become filled with anger, hate, and a desire for revenge. These feelings can cause us to lose the companionship of the Holy Ghost and make it more difficult for us to live other gospel principles. Also, when we do not forgive someone, it can make it more difficult for that person to complete his or her own repentance process.)"

 https://www.lds.org/manual/preparing-for-exaltation-teachers-manual/lesson-34-forgiving-others?lang=eng 

8. Elder Uchtdorf

"But when it comes to our own prejudices and grievances, we too often justify our anger as righteous and our judgment as reliable and only appropriate. Though we cannot look into another’s heart, we assume that we know a bad motive or even a bad person when we see one. We make exceptions when it comes to our own bitterness because we feel that, in our case, we have all the information we need to hold someone else in contempt.

Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?

Is this difficult to do?

Yes, of course.

Forgiving ourselves and others is not easy. In fact, for most of us it requires a major change in our attitude and way of thinking—even a change of heart. But there is good news. This “mighty change”8 of heart is exactly what the gospel of Jesus Christ is designed to bring into our lives.

How is it done? Through the love of God.

Brothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment.

We are not perfect.

The people around us are not perfect.19 People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always be that way.

Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lord’s way.

Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.

Lay your burden at the Savior’s feet. Let go of judgment. Allow Christ’s Atonement to change and heal your heart. Love one another. Forgive one another.

The merciful will obtain mercy."

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/the-merciful-obtain-mercy?lang=eng 

Scriptures:

Matthew 5:44; D&C 64:9–11 (We are commanded to forgive everyone)

Matthew 6:14–15; 18:21–35 or the video “Forgive 70 Times 7” (To receive forgiveness, we must forgive others)

Luke 23:34 (Jesus Christ forgave those who crucified Him)

Gordon B. Hinckley, “Forgiveness,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2005, 81–84

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “The Merciful Obtain Mercy,” Ensign orLiahona, May 2012,

MOVIE CLIP:  My Burden Was Made Light  https://www.lds.org/youth/learn/ap/atonement/forgive?lang=eng#video=forgiveness-my-burden-was-made-light