Fear

Fear.  I am well acquainted with it.  In fact, at times it has been my best friend.  It comforted me in times of uncertainty and became my safety net when I didn't want to do new things.  It was my excuse, my reason, and my logic.  It poisoned every thought and was the puppeteer of my every action.   For a time it became my life. 

Since the first moment I met Emmett he has been my good friend.  I was always asking his opinion especially when it came to boys and relationships.  He usually had great advice to ponder and a good way to keep my girlish dramas limited.  Since the time they got married, granted I was only 16 years old, but still, Emmett and Ashlee begged me to hurry up and graduate high school and get married so we could all be best friends.  They were halfway joking, but serious at the same time.  In my eyes the three of us were already best friends.  They liked having me around but I think they felt bad for me that I was always the third wheel.  They were my biggest supporters and the best ones to celebrate with when I finally did get at date.  They were the couple I wanted to become.  I looked up to Emmett and wanted to find someone like him to be my future husband.  They seemed to have it all and I wanted to find that happiness, too! 

If you have read my sister’s blog you are already aware of the heart break Emmett caused to so many.  In no way would I ever, or will I ever, try to compare my struggles with the ones that my sister had to endure.  I know that the things I went through are a fraction of the heart ache and devastation when compared to that of what my sister had to bear.  But, I can only speak through my own personal experiences - that is all I have.  If an earthquake strikes a specific area there is of course severe damage caused there, but the power and influence can be felt miles away.  I felt those shock waves.  I felt betrayal, anger, despair, and fear.  I felt it so much for my sister but I also felt it for myself and my future. 

Fear always knows when to creep its way into our lives.  Those moments of vulnerability and weakness are the perfect target.  For me, fear came in like a tidal wave.  It was embedded deep in my heart and at the time it felt like it was always going to remain there.  I liked some of the aspects of fear.  It made it easy for me to have excuses of why I was acting a certain way or why I “couldn't” do something. 

The summer after Emmett died became my most powerful experience with my “dear friend”, fear.  I was supposed to be living those carefree college years and single-hood life by dating and having fun.  Instead, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and panic anytime I was around men.  I didn't like them and I didn't want them to like me.  I was “so unhappy, but safe as could be” (lyrics by Leona Lewis).  I have found fear to be a very comfortable but debilitating crutch. 

Fear is one of Satan’s most powerful tools.  If he can make us too afraid of something then he doesn't have to work hard at keeping us from trying it.  It makes complete sense; if I am afraid of men then he doesn't have to work hard at keeping me away from creating an eternal family.  If I am afraid of change then he doesn't have to work hard at keeping me away from making covenants in the Lord's temple because I won’t take the necessary steps to get there anyway.  If I am afraid of letting myself be happy because I don’t think I deserve it then Satan doesn't have to work hard at keeping us away from turning to Jesus Christ and becoming free through His Atonement.  See, it is a powerful tool. 

We know that fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts but what does that really mean?  It means, when we chose to give in to our fears we are not choosing God.  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear.”

When we choose fear over faith we are trampling under our feet the very gift that brought Christ lower than anything has ever gone; ironically it is the only thing that can bring us higher than we can even imagine.  Why do we do this?  Why do we let this infinite gift go to waste?  Fear.

The definition of fear on lds.org: “to fear man, mortal dangers, pain, and evil; to be afraid of such things and to dread them”.  All of those things are real.  They are ever present in our world today but none of them need to be the reasons for holding us back from becoming something great.  We do not have to be overcome by these lies of fear.  Elder Nelson, of The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said, “Each individual will make his or her way in a constantly changing world—a world of competing ideologies. The forces of evil will ever be in opposition to the forces of good. Satan constantly strives to influence us to follow his ways and make us miserable; even as he is…We live in a time of turmoil. Earthquakes and tsunamis wreak devastation, governments collapse, economic stresses are severe, the family is under attack, and divorce rates are rising. We have great cause for concern. But we do not need to let our fears displace our faith. We can combat those fears by strengthening our faith.” 

Fear can be overcome through faith in our Savior Jesus Christ.  It happened that way for me.  After months of feeling weighed down by this heavy false-belief I found a new light.  The Lord helped me find a new motto, “So what?”  All of those fears I had, so what?  So, what if I give my heart to someone and they give it back?  So, what if my future husband cheats on me?  So, what if my future husband dies? So, what if all of my fears come true?  I could get through it.  I just watched my sister do it and the Lord didn't abandon her.  In fact, she is stronger than ever.  The Lord helped me realize that no matter what happened He would be there.  It doesn't matter if it is scary – it could happen and if it does He will be there to help you through it. 

My theme song for that summer was “Happy” by Leona Lewis.  It sums up almost exactly what I was feeling.  The song is about not being afraid of things that could hurt but just live and try to be happy.  That is a poetic way of saying, “Live with faith; not fear!”

Happy by Leona Lewis
Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here
I can't stand by your side, oh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So any turns that I can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be happy

I rocked out to this song almost every single day that summer.  It helped remind me of what the Lord had taught me on that bright and hopeful day.  I still find myself getting strength from that song even now.  If you take the two mottos that Ashlee and I have posted in the last 2 days and put them together you get, “So what?  Who cares?”  It is a pretty great motto to live by.  The Lord doesn't want us to live in fear.  Have faith in Him.  Have faith in the things He has already taught you and the things He continues to teach you each and every day.  Have faith that He will be there for you no matter what. 

“Unfailing faith is fortified through prayer. Your heartfelt pleadings are important to Him. Think of the intense and impassioned prayers of the Prophet Joseph Smith during his dreadful days of incarceration in Liberty Jail. The Lord responded by changing the Prophet’s perspective. He said, “Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good’ “(Elder Nelson). 

If I would have let my fears control my life I wouldn't have been able to receive the great blessings that the Lord had in store for me and my happy future.  The same can be for you.  Let go of your fears and turn your heart to the Lord.  There is so much more happiness waiting for you!

Further Study:

Scriptures

God hath not given us the spirit of fear: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/2-tim/1?lang=eng

Conference Talks

Elder Nelson - Face the Future with Faith: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/face-the-future-with-faith?lang=eng

President Hinkley - God Hath Not Given Us the Spirit of Fear: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1984/10/god-hath-not-given-us-the-spirit-of-fear?lang=eng

 Elder Cook - Live by Faith and Not by Fear: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/live-by-faith-and-not-by-fear?lang=eng

Elder Richards - The Atonement Covers All Pain:  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-atonement-covers-all-pain?lang=eng